written by ella smith
We like to tackle big issues right? We think that shedding like on these big issues will provoke change and bring world peace and harmony and everybody will be zen and happy. From big elections to big debates, to climate change, all of the big issues of the world. There’s so many to talk about, so many things we need to change. But what about the big issues of the big boob bandits? Well girls and boys and everything in between, here I am to shed light on the big boob bandits of the world.
If you know me, then you’ll know that my baps are not small, they’re not really medium sized either. In fact, they’re like holding two well-grown melons. Now, we could use my skills of journalism to really tackle the issues of the world, but this is for my big-boobed friends, who need some reassurance that they’re not alone in dealing with the back-pain and self-confidence issues when you realise no high-street brands sells bras or anything to do with the boobage area past the size C or D cup.
First stop, let’s tackle the issue us melon chests face shall we? From running WITHOUT a sports bra (impossible, don’t do it ladies), to a downward spiral of self-loathing when it comes to shopping for non-existent bra sizes, here’s a list of things us breast-heavy ladies must deal with:
Running. Full stop. You know the pain you feel when you sprint without a sports bra? No hands or arms can stop those bad-boys flying side to side and up and down. The gravitational pull, weighing down your breasticles whilst also defying gravity by them almost hitting you in the face? The pain is indescribable.
You know when you go bra-shopping, and all the small bra-sets, bralettes, and even sexy lace bodysuits all spring to the eye? They’re sexy and pretty and cute and everything you want to look cute in. Yet one of those petite bras would fit just one bazonka in. More importantly, all of those smaller sets are always organised in such vibrant colours. Red, black, white, blue, green, purple, any colour you can imagine; small bras have them. But then you go to the section of the big-boobed-ladies, and what colour do we have to feel sexy in? You know it… BEIGE. Why is beige the least sexy colour a woman can wear?
Back to the running part. If you don’t have a sports bra, the then having to wear ATLEAST three bras in order to semi-support the knockers? Yes, I have done that many times before.
I could mention about the fact that some men may not know how to handle your boobs in the bedroom, and if that’s the case, then ladies you need a new fella.
Cross body bags? Where the strap gets lost in an abyss of fat tissue for a slight minute and they cut your boobs in two?
And good luck finding a shirt or blazer that will actually do up and not give you the almost-busting open look, like the two buttons are holding on for their dear fabricated life! Just pop open, fuck it, let that cleavage be free! I’m sure that’ll be a trend soon enough.
Now, I would mention about not being able to sleep on your side or your chest. But I actually have no problem with this, I’m not sure where the boobs go during this sleeping position, but they go somewhere that isn’t uncomfortable.
The compliments. This isn’t a bad thing, don’t get me wrong. The “oh your boobs are so big, I wish I had big boobs” like no, no no no.
There are a lot of negatives that stem from living in bustyland, but there are also positives. Like resting your dinner plate when you have no table for example, or using those bra-pockets to the best of their ability, or even your own set of hand warmers? Got cold hands? Shove those extremities down your bra and cup those boobs for your own, DIY radiator!
Personally, I think we are long past the dark age where big boobs were an unsurmountable burden.
I can definitely concede that big boobs are not as easy to deal with as breasts that fall within the range that most of the world seems to cater to. We have unrealistic expectations thrown at us all the time, whether it’s social comparisons with friends or people you see in the media. Just like with everything, what works for others may not work for you.
The less energy you spend hating on your big boobs, the more you can spend finding ways to work with them. Sure, it’s going to involve speciality stores, and in some cases some creativity, but big breasts are not a sentence. If they were, breast augmentation wouldn’t be such big industry. There are many, many resources out there, from bra-fitting guides, to clothing guides, to entire communities and forums full of busty women who share their experiences and tips in an effort to help others.
So fuck it, big-breasted ladies, here’s to wearing whatever the fuck you want, whether or not those knockers of yours want to come and say hey, or not.
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